The closed door thats me......

Visitors to this blog will wonder how come Vice Man 1 aka Machee hardly has anything personal to write. Even I have been pondering on this question for the last few days. Is it because I cant write as well as others. But I don't think this is the reason. I am no Shakespeare but I have scored reasonably well in my English tests.

The more I sat thinking about this I realised I already knew some of the reasons. I have never been open about expressing/communicating my feelings, expectations and fears openly to others. Even my closest friends sometimes find it difficult to decipher what's going on in that head of mine. My mother points out rather blatantly that this is one reason, I will find it difficult to find a girlfriend(although I believe she is happy I stay single). Well my ego doesn't allow me to agree with her. But I know this is partly true and this becomes apparent from my total lack of close female friends. I have always been wary of expressing myself openly, especially to the opposite sex. Such questions keep popping up rather commonly"What will she think if I say this?", "Will she be offended if I say that?" and so on.

Many times I have logged on to this blog with the intention of writing something about myself only to decide against it. I start writing a paragraph only to wonder "what will people think of me","it doesn't sound good", etc and then end up not posting anything. I am happier writing about persons and events far removed from me. Even in interviews I find the personal questions the most difficult to answer. One of my most dreaded questions is;"What is your greatest weakness?". I would much rather tell the interviewer about the 7 layers in the TCP/IP protocol stack. I admire the confidence with which Lolly n Iyer can say/write almost anything(even crap).

But all is not gloomy and I would like to think that this trait of mine is changing. I am making a rather conscious effort to communicate better and this is partly due to a realisation that its now or never. I have also started believing in myself more. I hope this posting is only a beginning of more frequent posts from me in the future.

Machee


Btw I had to edit this a few times before I was confident enought to post this.